Let Yourself Break Down
I’ve had to do a lot of growing up just within the past week. To say it’s jarring would be an understatement.
My grandmother passed away after four long years battling Alzheimer’s and complications from a stroke. I got the news right after I got done packing everything up after leading worship at Lifepoint this past Sunday. There were so many conflicting thoughts going through my head, I was extremely sad to hear that she had passed away, but I was glad that she didn’t have to suffer through that sickness anymore. I was weirded out to know that the Thanksgiving table was going to have one less place at it. It was a cavalcade of emotions that I didn’t really know how to handle.
But I didn’t really give myself any time this week to try to figure those feelings out.
Everything else in my life kept piling up. I had all but pushed my feelings about grief to the side this week, filling that space up with busy-ness, distracting me from going deeper and pressing into Jesus with my questions about life and death and relying on him for comfort. I thought that I needed to be the strong one, all the while forgetting that I need to break down to receive my strength. If there’s anything that I’ve learned over the past year, it’s that I definitely can’t do anything without God’s help and that I need to completely break down in order for Him to work within me.
I went through this week with a brave face, carefully dodging any hint of deep conversation about grief, thinking that it was unnecessary. There were two factors at work here: one, I don’t like anyone feeling sorry for me (it ruins my back alley greaser poet image) and two, I thought the way to handle everything would be to just continue without talking about it. Little did I know that I would have the shortest fuse I’ve ever had, the most exhaustion I’ve ever had, and the most numbing hazy feeling I’ve ever had all in one week. And this was all because I was bottling it all up, letting it all become stagnant until it went about poisoning myself.
One of the best things I did today was to heed advice and just simply open up. My grandmother was one of two anchors on my mom’s side of the family, the other being her husband, my PopPop. Our family dynamic has now changed drastically, and that’s a weird thing for me. I also opened up about how it really felt weird to be so far away from the family at this crucial time in our lives. Thank goodness for friends to remind me that the best thing for me to do for my family at present is just to be there for them when I can; to help us all remember her great life. In order for me to do this, I had to break down first.
We have to recognize problems before we fix them. Yes, this is now a time for grieving; soon it will be a time for remembrance of wonderful memories here on earth and a time of celebration of new life in heaven through Jesus. But, the grieving and the breakdown have to happen first. Don’t fight them, accept them; only then can we move on.
Hey friend, I am glad you were able to break down and let it out and are already learning from all of it! Keep being awesome! You’re gonna make it through, i don’t doubt it one bit.